Hey life, FUCK YOU.

Yeah I have something to bitch about, goddamn rightfully so too.

So you do all you can, and you get jack shit for it.. it happens. However, when it continually happens in many aspects of life, you get a little fed up with it to say the least. So here's how it starts - and funny that she was the reason I started this blog to begin with. Things had been a little dicey between my girlfriend and I for a little while, most of those things I will not get into as to protect her right to privacy and to a lesser extent her right to not being embarassed over some not so savory decisions to say the least. Anyhow, things were seemingly looking up, and over the past week some things were said that showed promise. Things like (albeit a little too cliche, it was sweet) "You make me complete," "I just feel a stronger connection with you than I have anyone else," etc... Now telling me is one thing, showing me is requisite, and quite another thing altogether.

So I have had a tough go of it lately with worrying about school, not being sure about everything in life, and generally somewhat depressed and overwhelmed - we have all been there from time to time. So who do you usually turn to in these instances, but a loved one, the one person you should hold most important in your life. Right? Well, I certainly thought so, and I suppose in this instance I was wrong. After having what I thought was a decent, productive, conversation, I later found out that it was simply "annoying" and "stressful." Well I just HATE that my own emotional needs - which included "the little things" that we all need from our partner, such as a call here, text there, saying they love you, miss you, what have you - were such an annoyance and so much to ask, that it was grounds for those feelings of completion and connection to dissipate right into thin air. Clearly these were strong rooted and thoughtful feelings, and not just something to flap your gums recklessly about (note the sarcasm.) Now, this conversation did not include all of the "little things" talk, some of that came in the next day or two, but when things are merely talked about, and no progress is shown, they tend to come up once again.

Bringing us to Saturday...

Saturday morning I decide to make a call after not hearing from my girlfriend other than briefly on friday. I simply wondered why things hadn't seemed the same, and why I was most often the only one to initiate contact between the two of us etc? This was met with a not so welcoming sentiment, and led to the events of the day. Long story short, she decided that in a matter of a day and a half, those feelings expressed to me, the ones that meant the world to me - as I told her - had simply vanished, and that she no longer felt anything for me. Disappointing to say the least. Perhaps the most disappointing aspect of it all was after the initial, hasty, decision, a reneging, then after calming my worst fears, a telephone call in which I was informed that she did NOT, after all, care for me... Wow, thanks for that one.

Quite frankly, I should have seen it coming all along. From her past "indiscretions," to the aforementioned seeming lack of concern or interest, to the fact that I always did my best to put in 110% effort, although I continually and consistently got nowhere near that in return - emotionally, financially (not that this part really matters), physically, you name it. Now maybe its a stretch, but a couple of things, favors, had just recently gone down.. and part of me is afraid I got used for those favors, but I would like to think that is out of the realm of possibility on her part?

I suppose there comes a point in everyone's life where they emotionally mature to the extent that they are ready for a real relationship, a lasting, meaningful relationship. Without doubt, one party was and remains there, the other unfortunately had/has not yet reached a level that is necessary for things to work. Some, (especially the subject of this blog) would question the validity of the above statement concerning emotional maturity and relationships, on the basis of me assuming I know everything about anything. This is far from the truth, and quite honestly that belief is something that has been cultivated in my mind through life lessons learned, and experiences from the past and present. I personally took quite some time to come to the understanding of what it takes in a relationship, and thankfully so. However, I'm sure that to some degree, my well rounded understanding of this concept probably allows me to be somewhat jaded, and overly expecting of others, when it comes to their level of understanding.

Point being in all of this folks, treat people right, be honest with each other, and for Fuck's sake, if someone treats you well and someone loves you enough to make sacrifices for you, to do the little things to let you know how they feel, tries to communicate well with you, and wants nothing but to provide you with everything they can, don't fuck them over, don't smile in their face while you stab them in the back. Be appreciative of what/who you have, because these people and these opportunities don't come around very often.

All of the above being said, there are two conclusions that most outsiders, or even people that know me, maybe even the subject of the blog, will come to - and they're both wrong.
1. I certainly know that I did not do everything right in that relationship, it was a learn on the go experience for me, as I only reached that level of emotional maturity I spoke of DURING said relationship. While I did try to be as much of a shoulder, lover, provider, and friend as I could be, I admittedly made my share of mistakes - but all within the overriding, loving sentiment that I felt and still feel to this day.
2. She is NOT a bad person. Not by any stretch of the imagination, and I love her more than I ever thought I could, more each time I wake up in the morning (ok so sometimes afternoon.) At times the people I know who don't know her as well as I do, have unintentionally been misled into assuming she was never good to me, perhaps because when things were good I simply kept my smile and my happiness inside, quietly enjoying the best thing I ever had to this date. Without doubt, that sweet, caring, supportive, beautiful, person exists - believe me, I've seen glimpses of it over the past 11 months or so.

I certainly wish communication between two people was as easy as the concept of it leads you to believe, and I do believe that it is attainable with a level of understanding and selflessness. Sometimes life is a motherfucker, and while this is certainly one of those times, perhaps with a little patience things will be easy once again.

"So now I wander through my days,
Trying to find a way through these feelings that I've felt,
I saved for you and no one else,
And though as long as this road seems,
I know its called the street of dreams."

"So bittersweet, this tragedy wont ask for absolution,
This melody inside of me, still searches for solution,
A twist of fate, the change of heart kills my infatuation,
A broken heart provides the spark for my determination."

Own your feelings, Use Your Illusions - Andy